


4 a.m.

by orcaserenade



Category: Free!, Free! Iwatobi Swim Club - Fandom
Genre: Abstract, Love Triangles, Multi, POV Experimental, free! iwatobi swim club
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 04:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1537526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orcaserenade/pseuds/orcaserenade





	4 a.m.

He’s at sea, he’s at sea

Far away from me

He took the tide with him

He’s at shore, he’s at shore

I don’t want him anymore

But I’m drowning

in the tide

at 4 a.m.

No one ever warned you

about the teeth in the waves

They hook into your skin

and drag you to the deep

No one ever warned you

that you would fall in love

with saltwater in your wounds

and currents in your sleep

No one

ever warned you

that you would fall in love

☆__________________________☆

 

**H** e didn’t mean to leave.

It was unintentional. It was meant to be conceptual. It was necessary.

There are only two minds that think up this progression of excuses; the villainous and the victimized. Fortunately, there are no victims. Unfortunately, there are two villains. Or perhaps that’s how these minds would rather perceive their self-inflicted misfortune. They are both villains because they have both turned themselves into victims. 

That was their third mistake out of four. Their first mistake was melting the shore into glass; where the waves once kissed the sand, an inferno scorched each grain with poisonous flames of reprimand. Their second mistake was cutting themselves on that glass. Their third mistake was blaming each other for their synchronized faults, and their fourth mistake… well, their fourth mistake was falling in love.

_No one ever warned you about the teeth in the waves._

The ocean was restless. Its waves swallowed the pillars of the pier in loud, messy gulps.

“I swam with a shark once,” chimed the Orca. It was a fond memory, after all. It always would be, but the bitterness of that memory now sprinkled itself upon his skin in a cold mist of sea spray. He smiled, regardless. It was a forced smile; one that welcomed the sea with hesitant arms. Twice he had been betrayed by the sea. A third betrayal would break him, for he was made of glass and the sea was made of liquid steel. Neither the Orca nor the sea used to be so fragile. They were once sand and water; soft and strong. 

But perhaps their strength was one of their many faults. 

“The water was so warm that day,” continued the Orca. “It was nice, and I was happy.” A fond memory indeed. He smiled again, and this time, it was genuine. “He told me that he loved me. I like to believe that he meant it, at least in some small way.” Waves crashed heavily against clusters of rough, porous rock with an impressive volume of rumbling static. It sounded as if the waves were trying to speak. The relentless vigour of the ocean never ceased to amaze him. “I told him that I loved him too, and I meant it. From that day on, we said ‘I love you’ every night.”

A soft inhale that escaped the Orca. That short intake of breath, longing yet defeated, couldn’t have prepared anyone for what he said next. “But I wasn’t good enough.” Blasphemous. Those words were pure blasphemy; shouldn’t he know that? Perhaps no one told him that he was good enough. Perhaps he didn’t tell _himself_ that he was good enough. 

Perhaps lack of self-confidence was one of his many faults.

“And that’s where you came in.” Another smile lit up the Orca’s face, even more genuine than the last. His smile was the most contagious thing. It could make anyone’s lips curve upward like a buoyant child at a birthday party, despite their mood. “A shark needs to keep swimming forward in order to stay alive. This didn’t bother me. I figured that I could just swim alongside him wherever he went.” That contagious smile vanished. “But he was curious. He found new prey. I think that was the first time I’ve ever felt jealous of teeth sinking into another’s flesh. Those teeth were supposed to be mine.”  


_They hook into your skin and drag you to the deep._

“That blood was supposed to be mine. Those scars would have been mine. _He was supposed to be mine._ ” 

Sometimes the Orca was possessive. It was rare to see him show jealousy. It was often questionable if he even felt jealousy. But a flame had ignited within him; the same flame that grew into an inferno and singed his judgment. Every word that he spoke fell from his tongue in layers of hot ash. “I overthink everything. For a while - too long of a while - I thought you had stolen him from me.”

The potent smell of fresh salt, wet sand, and damp rock grew sour. “So, I left.”

_No one ever warned you_  
 _that you would fall in love_  
 _with saltwater in your wounds_  
 _and currents in your sleep_

“And I couldn’t sleep. Not for days, maybe even months,” the Orca confessed. “I refused to come back until the shark’s teeth left my skin. They left, but I could still feel them. I could _always_ feel them; bruised punctures that reminded me he was gone. Reminded me that I never let go. I forced myself away, but _I never let go._ ” He frowned and the waves of the sea roared in response to his sorrow, piercing the grey, watery murk from which they spawned with tips of salted foam.

“But then I came back.”

Everything stopped.

In that moment, never before had the sea looked so calm. It was as if the Orca’s words commanded the waves to lie still, the wind to silence its howling, and the sloshing, churning, treacherous waters to freeze solid. The surface looked like cement covered with a thin layer of soap suds. Pale sunlight peeked through parted clouds, dappling the ocean with specks of glittering gold. His words were magic. _He_ was magic. He had always been nothing less than the sun. A savoury moment of peace washed over the shore in quiet waves. The air began to grow warm, conquering the biting cold that preceded.

It was quiet, it was beautiful, and it was sad. Because the story was ending and he would have to let go. This time, he would have to let go.

“I swam with a dolphin once,” the Orca beamed, clearly proud of such a memory. It was a fond memory, after all. It always would be. 

There was no bitterness.  
There were no faults.

“The water wasn’t warm that day. It was cool and refreshing. It was familiar. It was special.” The waves were silent. The breeze was gentle, comforting. “He told me that he was happy with me. I didn’t need to pretend that he meant it. I know he did. And that’s the thing, isn’t it? I didn’t need to pretend with you.”

The Orca turned away from the quiet waves to face the Dolphin. He had not turned to look back at the Orca. His deep, cerulean gaze was transfixed on the rivalling blues of the sea; far away and lost in thought. The lines beneath his lash were more prominent than the Orca remembered, his skin puffed and spotted with age. But he was still beautiful. His gloved hands clutched to his chest a cherry wood urn; the edge firmly pressed into the fabric of his black coat. It was obvious that it was going to be hard for him, but it needed to be done. 

“I know you can’t hear me. I know you can’t feel me,” started the Orca. But he could. He _could_ hear him. He _could_ feel him. His voice was in the waves and his warmth was in the sun. “But it’s okay. You’re ready for this. _I’m_ ready for this. We can let go now.”

A tear rolled down the Dolphin’s cheek, and the Orca interfered with a whisper that met his ear through a soft gust of wind. “I love you, Haru.”

Haru inhaled, relaxing his grip on the urn. _I love you too,_ he thought. _I love you._ He took one final step closer to the edge of the pier and opened the urn, drawing a deep breath before tipping it above the welcoming water. As the powdery ash mixed into the sea and disappeared, so did the Orca, leaving Haru alone on the pier with nothing but the sound of crashing waves and a memory of the sun. _His_ sun.

He would smile for the both of them now, because the Orca’s smile was the most contagious thing. And that’s exactly what he did. He stood at the edge of the pier, he stared across the wading sea, and he smiled.

“Goodbye, Makoto.”

 

He’s at sea, he’s at sea

Far away from me

He took the tide with him

I’m at shore, I’m at shore

I don’t see him anymore

But I’m dreaming

of the tide

at 4 a.m.

No one 

ever warned me

that I would fall in love

☆__________________________☆

**A U T H O R ' S N O T E;**  


So, obviously, this was very experimental. I can see how it might be confusing, as I often make the mistake of writing things that only make sense in my own scrambled mind. However, this is more of a poetic and metaphorical experiment. It’s also based on my experience with two different people, so I’d like to explain for those who care to know;

Everything about this story has significance to me, and I’ll start from the beginning. 

I met someone one day. We got close. Close enough that I would stay up ‘til ungodly hours just to talk to them and be there for them (I usually passed out at about 4 a.m., hence my choice of title). Long story short, I grew much too attached to this person and forced myself away, because it was making me feel miserable.

  
_He’s at sea, he’s at sea_

__

_Far away from me_

_He took the tide with him_

This part of the poem basically describes how I felt when I tried to detach myself from this person. They weren’t near me anymore, but for a while, I could still feel myself being pulled towards them like a receding tide.

  
_He’s at shore, he’s at shore_

__

_I don’t want him anymore_

_But I’m drowning_

_in the tide_

_at 4 a.m._

Ah, yes, well… this person decided to come back and I decided to try and be passive about it. At this point, I had assumed that I didn’t feel anything towards this person anymore. We hadn’t talked in a long while. Well, I was wrong. A tidal wave of feelings came rushing back in and I kept drowning in my own confliction. But enough about me. Let’s focus on how this story fits into Makoto, Haru, and Rin’s lives.

If you couldn’t tell, the opening poem is from Makoto’s perspective. For all of my fellow sailors on the S.S. Whale Shark (aka MakoRin), this part of the poem describes a very lustful affair that Makoto had with Rin. Makoto never got closure because he forced himself away from Rin, resulting in a burning, torturous desire that was left unfulfilled. 

  
_No one ever warned you_

__

_about the teeth in the waves_

_They hook into your skin_

_and drag you to the deep_

I’ll keep this one simple. Ever had a huge crush on someone - friend crush or romantic crush - and found yourself enamoured with one person that would probably never return your affections?

Yeah. That’s what this is about. They reel you in like a fish and then drag you along for a ride that you don’t recall getting on, but suddenly, you’re on it. Makoto was enamoured with Rin in such a way that he couldn't differentiate love from lust, and so his feelings kept dragging him deeper and deeper into a seemingly endless trench.

  
_No one ever warned you_

__

_that you would fall in love_

_with saltwater in your wounds_

_and currents in your sleep_

I fall in love pretty easily. I have a feeling that Makoto is the same way. Now, falling in love doesn’t always have to be romantic. I think it’s possible to platonically fall for someone, because I’ve experienced it before. 

For Makoto, he fell in love with idea of Rin and what they could have become, had they avoided their mistakes. Rin’s love was the kind that stung, like salt in a wound. His love was the kind that kept Makoto up at night and irregulated his sleep like a lovesick teen.

  
_No one_

__

_ever warned you_

_that you would fall in love_

Notice how there’s no saltwater and currents after this part of the poem, because it’s not about Rin.

-

Poem aside, let’s dive into the story itself. If you weren’t able to tell from the ending, the story is being recalled from Haru’s point of view. I didn’t want to reveal that until the end. In the beginning, the sea is stormy because Makoto is remembering a time in his life that not only hurt him, but hurt Haru as well. He tells Haru that he swam with a shark (aka Rin), and that he enjoyed it at first.

He admits that his lust for Rin made him greedy and a bit possessive, which is why he mentions that he thought Haru was trying to “steal” Rin. He stopped his behaviour before it got out of control and decided to leave both Rin and Haru alone by removing himself from the equation. Overall, he realized that he didn’t leave for Rin’s sake. He left for the sake of his friendship with Haru, because in the end, their relationship was more important to him than anything else. Makoto wanted Haru and Rin to be happy, and if that happiness came from each other, then he was willing to give up Rin.

But a shark needs to keep swimming forward in order to stay alive.

By the time that Makoto returned, Rin had already hurt Haru the same way that he hurt Makoto. Sharing this experience brought them closer to each other; so close that their relationship breached the borders of their friendship and gave them something much deeper than the lust they felt for Rin. 

Makoto is happiest when he says that he “swam with a dolphin once.” The sea is calm, clear, and the sun starts to peek through the clouds and shine onto the surface of the ocean to emphasize that. Going back to the beginning for a moment, you’ll notice a relative part in the narrative;

_‘Twice he had been betrayed by the sea. A third betrayal would break him, for he was made of glass and the sea was made of liquid steel. Neither the Orca nor the sea used to be so fragile. They were once sand and water; soft and strong.’_

The sea represents Haru. Haru feels as if he’s betrayed Makoto, first by taking Rin, and second by not realizing his and Makoto’s feelings sooner. The underlying feud of their brief competition for Rin had left Makoto breakable like glass, and Haru cold like steel. This is why the sun is symbolic in this story. The sun represents Makoto.

_‘His voice was in the waves and his warmth was in the sun.’_

_‘As the powdery ash mixed into the sea and disappeared, so did the Orca, leaving Haru alone on the pier with nothing but the sound of crashing waves and a memory of the sun. His sun.’_

Now, here’s where it might get a tad bit depressing. Near the end of the story, I’ve hinted that Haru has aged. The subtle description of his old age and the clutching of the cherry wood urn to his chest explains the fact that he has outlived Makoto. Throughout the story, you’re under the impression that Makoto is alive in some form, and that he has been standing next to Haru the entire time; not physically, but in spirit. Perhaps he’s a ghost (if you believe in that sort of thing). However, Makoto disappearing once his ashes are given to the sea makes it apparent that Makoto was gone long before Haru said goodbye. 

In other words, Makoto was never there, standing next to Haru. In an attempt to fully get closure for Makoto’s death, Haru imagined what Makoto _would_ have said, had he been standing on the pier beside him. Though it was just his imagination, it still made him happy to share one last moment with his best friend. 

_‘He would smile for the both of them now, because the Orca’s smile was the most contagious thing. And that’s exactly what he did. He stood at the edge of the pier, he stared across the wading sea, and he smiled.’_

_“Goodbye, Makoto.”_

And last but not least, the closing poem, which is from Haru’s point of view;

  
_He’s at sea, he’s at sea_

__

_Far away from me_

_He took the tide with him_

_I’m at shore, I’m at shore_

_I don’t see him anymore_

_But I’m dreaming_

_of the tide_

_at 4 a.m._

_No one_

_ever warned me_

_that I would fall in love_

☆__________________________☆

 

Thank you guys for reading, and I hope that you enjoyed this abstract mess~!

- **S** hachi 


End file.
